Pregnancy After Loss - Me and My Rainbow Baby
Updated: Oct 14, 2022
🧡 Trigger Warning 🧡
I wondered about the 1 in 8 women who experienced miscarriage. I felt like this would be more. I felt like I knew it would be more. What about the women who didn't speak up about their experience of baby loss and miscarriage? I felt often like an imposter around this conversation. My own experience which I now value as unique and individual to myself, but I never felt like I had truly lost. The thing is, we did. We lost a baby back in March this year before we fell pregnant again on my next cycle. When I look back, it has actually been quite a journey. We had been out for dinner with family, our baby boy was only 7 months old, absorbing all our love and happiness as we cooed around him. We came home, did his bedtime routine and I went to the bathroom. I realised I was bleeding, but more so, I realised something was happening, I felt crampy, I felt hot and fuzzy. I looked down and there was the realisation, I was experiencing a miscarriage. I didn't need tests, a maginifying glass, none of that. My heart sunk. I had lost a baby. A baby I didn't even know I was growing. I had been so poorly recently, it made sense. So I gently called my husband in, his face showing a calm shock, but sadness. We went to bed, I felt so confused and uncertain. I felt like I needed to do something or have someone explain what happened next but there was nothing that followed. The doctors just confirmed it sounded like it and that was it done. Days & weeks went by with deep and supportive conversations betwen me and my husband . We made the decision to maybe back up contraception as I had already been on it when I fell pregnant. And so our world continued, thoughts often crept in, I had the distracton of my gorgeous son and daughters, I took myself into healing and did self reiki, performed self love through womb healing and filled up my cup. And then May came. I had been visiting my sister, we had a somewhat boozy girly weekend and I was astonished at the size of my stomach, bloated & hard, thinking it will just be mhy body readjusting or I was due on my period. A few days later the familiar feeling of nausea dawned on my and oh HECK, it was time to do a test.
POSITIVE It was bloody positive. Woah. Okay but we had only just got our heads round losing a baby, and contraception and what the F. How?! Okay well I know how, but HOW! TWO LOTS OF CONTRACEPTION. And so it began...sheer fear set in for those first few weeks until my scan. I had never had fear like this in my other pregnancies. Was everything really going to be okay? I could feel the anixety begin to take hold. What if there is something wrong? What if something goes wrong? I woke up one day riddled with fear, anxious, my worries and throughts were just out of control. HOLD UP. You know this isn't how it has to be. That was what I told myself. It truly wasn't. I taught women everywhere how to overcome this fear and worry around their pregnancy and so I went into my world of Hypnobirthing, relaxation and mindset work. I worked through the loss of our baby in March - They are their with us, they are part of this journey still, and making peace with the gratitude of where I am in the hear and now, 26 weeks pregnant it fills me with so much love that we are here, having a stress free and calm pregnancy. For anyone on their journey into pregnancy after loss, I would love to share with you some reminders to help you through the motions, the experience and how to cope with the unexpected.
Remind yourself daily, this is where you are now. Be present and be grateful for all the wonderful experiences during your pregnancy.
You are allowed to mourn and grief what could have been, but don't let it take away your experience of your pregnancy journey now. It's nothing ou did or could have done.
Learn to be gentle with yourself. Asking What if? Did I? If I? - These thinking patterns will only provoke anxiety and take away from you what you deserve to experience.
Be gentle with yourself Mama. Enjoy this time and don't allow fear to hold you back. You can embrace this and overcome the challenges of your mind to have a wonderful pregnancy, lanour & birth journey ahead.
I offer emotional support on a 1-1 basis and through my courses and hypnobirthing also and you can find out more about this in a free discovery call via www.themindfulmummyuk.com Other amazing resources for baby loss are Relax with Lucy - www.relaxwithlucy.co.uk who offers weekly baby loss mindfulness session on Zoom on Wednesday evenings. She has a gorgeous community and had an upcoming Baby Loss retreat this October.