I thought it would only be fair for me to share my own birth story along with the other Mummies coming forward to share theirs too. Although I will share them all, I wanted to share my journey with my eldest daughter River. River came into this world a glorious 8lb 2oz after a long 24 hour labour one very snowy December morning. I was 21, naive, no idea what was coming and totally wrapped up in my own world of what I expected Motherhood too look like. Well nearly 12 years ago, I can assure you, it looks pretty different to what our maternity services are now. I had a sweep in the morning with my midwife, and honestly, that was a shock itself. I don't remember really being told the mechanics of what a sweep would entail, and I really wish I had asked more afterwards. I put all my trust and faith in these midwives, this was just what happened and they were amazing, I just wish I had more faith in myself. We started at home, Friends marathon on the TV and as I demolished a cheese and onion pie, the snow started to come down pretty heavy and I started to feel my body moving and changing. I managed the majority of my labour at home, I bathed in the bath, I had a sense of control untilq I knew things were speeding up, it was time to get moving and I made my way up to the hospital. I honestly believe that my naiveity and open mindset just helped me move into the flow of my body doing what it needed to do. I didn't have any other reason to not trust it, I had grown this baby inside of me and when I thought about the processes that took, I knew this was a piece of the puzzle, the end finale and soon my baby would be here in my arms. I was progressing well and managed to labour mostly in the water. Time was ticking on and I was getting tired, they advised me to move to the bed to give birth. Inside me, I wanted to stay in the water, but they insisted I moved onto the bed. I wish I had listened deeper within looking back, because it wouldn't have given birth outside of the water. I think if I had worked with my instinct instead, I would have had a full water birth. After a while I felt my body getting weary, I was tired and I knew she was tired too. It was 4am in the morning and I told my Dad to go home and get some rest, I was going to be ages. Low and behold, he was in the car park when I gave birth to my gorgeous River Denise.
I really worked with the senses of my body to push her and guide her out slowly, I was able to birth her with just gas and air, the water and avoided any tearing or episiotomy which was a bigger fear than the birth itself. I had done it, I gave birth so beautifully and I was really proud of myself for what I had achieved on little knowledge. I just knew I had to trust my own mind and body. I had Hypnobirthed without even knowing it. It was afterwards that the shock would land, the emotions would rush and I would realise that I was panicking in amongst my transition. I hadn't thought much about this part as my pregnancy, I was still grieving for my Mum who had passed a year before. I underestimated the fear, the struggle, the insane guilt and lack of worthiness I would sense through my postnatal depression completely brought on by my continuing grief, my loss of identity and trauma, my struggle. My postnatal depression consumed my first moments of motherhood. Nooone understood it, noone knew how to handle it or approach it or what to do. Although my birth was absolutely perfect, I would say the prepartion totally lacked, it was the unknown afterwards that I think spiralled me here. It was the inability to work through my emotions and grief. I wish I had began that inner work a lot sooner because then it may have helped me face my challeneges in motherhood afterwards. Hindisght is a wonderful thing, but what it did allow me to do was prepare in my future pregnancies. I took Hypnobirthing from just the world of pregnancy. I implemented it into life, my mindset, my motherhood. I knew where I had been before and I knew where I wanted to go and what I was capable of. My transition of Motherhood (every pregnancy) has demanded a totally new version of me, and I believe it does continously on the journey. What I have created for my life as a Mum, coming from that place - well that’s another blog in itself.
I am so blessed to be able to share that with other women and empower them in their own journeys into Motherhood. If you would like to know more about my work and how I can support you through pregnancy into parenthood, the please visit www.themindfulmummyuk.com Rhay Xx